AOL

Stands for “American Offline,” and is sometimes referred to as “AOHell“, “gAyOL”,”LOL”, or “my shitty internets.” It’s one of the last surviving online services from the pre-home internet days, and originally offered an entire online system with limited internet accessa virus that was invented at least 100 years ago, and was wide-spread, being a serious rival for MSN. Today it offers banal, mainstream content for an exorbitant fee and few useful features. It creates a warm, fuzzy, safe-feeling environment for those who fear being on the Internets alone.

An irony about AOL is its creation and ownership of the AOL Instant Messenger system which is heavily used by many people who have a vehement hatred for AOL the ISP, but don’t hesitate to use the AOL IM feature as it is so ubiquitous amongst internet users that there is almost no escaping it. In other words, you hate AIM but have to use it because all of your friends are too stupid to use anything better. Also, AIM is guaranteed to make your computer 100% slower.

When AOL is referred to as an ISP, this is somewhat incorrect, AOL is actually considered a “content provider” as opposed to an Internet access provider. This is due to the fact that you must read at least a nominal part of AOL content before being given access to the raw Internet. But no one gives a shit.

AOL will never stop billing your credit card. Never.

AOL was once the world’s only source of 3.5″ floppy disks. When they went to CD for distribution, they went out of business.

AOL and AOLd People

No less than 100% of AOL users are either over the age of 68, Niggers, or trailer trash pieces of shit that can only afford their electricity by selling meth on their front porch True Americans. These people rely on free AOL CDs and rip-off service charges to get their Pr0n. AOL will make your computer move slower than Ronald McDonald’s arteries. Anyone with a brain and more than twenty minutes of experience with the interwebs knows that joining AOL is on par with suicide. 57% of the holes in the ozone layer are directly connected to the burning of AOL disks in various places, such as campgrounds, Jew and hobo fires. AOL is also the #1 cause of Cancer, AIDS, Polio, Influenza, Bubonic Plague, Malaria, Ebola, Cholera, and Smallpox.

AOL CDs

Back in the day when AOL was the predominant Dial-up host, they offered these wonderful free trial CDs to everyone. People soon found that these round plastic disks offered more fun than AOL could ever offer. Below are some usages of the disks that anyone living in the United States is bound to have laying around:

1. Coasters
2. Frisbee
3. Fly Swatter
4. Ninja Stars
5. Target Practice with Pellet guns
6. Monster Rancher monsters
7. Hood / rear-view mirror ornaments
8. Inserting into anal passages
9. Decapitating pigeons
10. A castration device
11. Leveling furniture
12. Pooper scooper
13. The next Boston bomb scare
14. Pizza cutters
15. Microwave electric light show
16. Pizza Cutter

…and Many more!

So you got the sack?

At the start of August 2006 after a frankly hilarious drop of about 16 million (lol, 50%) of the used since AOL’s plateau, their huge fetid cock swung into action cutting 5,000 jobs worldwide while mumbling about its move from service provider to go and powder its nose. On 4th August foul noises were heard coming from the corner office at AOHell HQ, most people believe this was the sound of Jonathan Miller (CEO) sucking Satan’s cock, Amen. Concurrently, on a lower floor at the same location and at the exact same time a grateful soon-to-be ex employee was about to release the results of 500,000 AOL user searches in to the wild, amen again. Much lulzensued after some geeks actually trawled the ten 200 MB .tex files and posted the most interesting finds around the internets. These go from the desperate, to thefully insane, typifying most AOL’ers mental states(404). Also AOL are now to offer free domain names to anyone that wants one. So they can now be the proud owner of the one you find and squat. AOLism, you’re not alone.

AOL as a great tool for vandalism

AOL’s system of changing IP addresses guarantees that if a wiki bans one person, they ban a lot. Also since your IP changes all the time, you can’t be tracked down by your IP. Willy on Wheels used this to his advantage in vandalism.

In AOL’s original font, lowercase “n” and “r” were placed so close together, when placed by each other “rn” it looked almost indistinguishable from a single lowercase “m”. You could instantly troll as anyone who had the misfortune to have an “m” or on “rn” in their name (like anyone with “mama” in their name) by making a new name with the opposite. AOL had to scramble to fix this one, hoo-boy.

AOL is now free

Goodbye AOL CDs. AOL has decided to offer its service free of charge to users who already have a high speed internet connection. Those still on dial-up will continue to pay a fee to use the AOL service. However, subscribers to the “AOL for Broadband” service, where you bring your own high-speed internet connection to the party, will no longer have to pay subscription fees. This will result in a projected 2 billion dollar loss in revenue for the company and will hopefully lead to their demise.

AOL will also not continue to offer their customer support to these customers, eliminating their iron fisted TOS system and giving noobs and 16 year old girls everywhere a chance to really express themselves with talk of dead babies and use of the words fuck and ass. This change in policy will of course also crush the soul of your mom, taking away her ability to stick it tothe man by stealing paid services from AOL using fake names and credit cards.

Of course, no one cares because everyone who uses AOL is a furry. Fuck AOL

Quitting AOL

AOL is known to be harder then heroin to quit, and like heroin, it completely trashes the brain and body of whoever dared try. AOL was known for its bright colors and pushing CD, and with 1000 hours free, why not try it? Soon these plebs where drawn into a game they should have known better then play, and after an intervention with common sense, made the painful choice to call AOL customer service and end their subscription. Little did they know, they would be facing down an enemy with more psychological warfare training then a platoon of Dr. Phils. AOL hired “retention clients” to help keep clients from leaving their service. These “retention clients” job was to convince the customer that he was not always correct, and that they should stay with AOL. They did this with a retention manual that had more twists and turns than an addicts arm. It was so difficult to quit AOL that they were sued by the state of New York for violating state law. If you managed to quit, often AOL would just keep on billing you and keep your account, just in case you decided to come back. This is utter and complete truth, sadly enough

AOL Speak

You’re supposed to talk in all caps if you use AOL. It’s part of their TOS. All users of AOL are 12 year old l337 wannabees. This is FACT. Take this article for example, rendered in AOL:

STANDS FOR M3RICA ONLIEN AND WAS CR3AETD AT LEAST 10 YEARS AGO!!!!111! OMG WTF LOL SOM3TIEMS R3FAR3D 2 AS AOAL!11111! OMG ON3 OF DA LAST SURVIVNG ONLIEN SERVIECS FROM TEH PRA-HOM3 INTERNET DAYS!1!!! OMG WTF IT ORIGINALY OFERED AN ENTIER ONLIEN SYSTAM WIT LIMIETD INT3RN3T ACES!1!11 OMG LOL 2DAY IT OFERS BANAL MANESTR3M CONTANT FOR AN AXORBITANT FE AND FEW UESFUL FAATURES!111!1!! OMG WTF LOL IT CR3AETS A WARM FUZY SAEF-FELNG 3NVIRONMENT FOR THOSE WHO FEAR BNG ON TEH INTERNETS ALON3 AOL!111!1 LOL SI NOW PRADOMINANTLEY KNOWN AS DA ISP OF SOC3R MOMS 16 Y3AR OLD GIRLS AND A VARITABL3 MYRIAD OF PEOPL3 WIT NO INTARN3T SAVY!!!!1 OMG WTF IT SI ALSO DA LARGAST ISP IN DA WORLD!11!111 OMG WTF AN IRONY ABOUT AOL SI ITS CR3ATION AND OWNERSHIP OF TEH AOL INSTANT M3S3NG3R SYSTEM WHICH SI H3AVILEY UESD BY MANY PEOPLA WHO HAEV A V3HEMENT HATRED FOR AOL TEH ISP BUT DONT H3SITAET 2 UES DA AOL IM FEATURE AS IT SI SO UBIQUI2US MONGST INTERN3T UESRS TAHT THEYRE SI ALMOST NO ESCAPNG U!1111!!!! OMG WTF SUPOSAD 2 TOK IN AL CAPS IF U UES AOL!!1!1! ITS PART OF THERE 2S WHEN!1!111!! OMG LOL AOL SI R3FERAD 2 AS AN ISP THES SI WUT INCOR3CT AOL SI ACTUALY CONSIEDRED A CONTANT PROVIEDR AS OPOS3D 2 AN INT3RN3T AC3S PROVIEDR!1!11!1!1 LOL THES SI DUA 2 DA FACT TAHT U MUST R3AD AT LEAST A NOMINAL PART OF AOL CONT3NT BFORE BNG GIEVN ACAS 2 DA RAW INT3RNET!!1!1 BUT NO ONE GIEVS A SHIT AOL!!1!!! OMG WTF WIL N3V3R S2P BILNG UR CRADIT CARD!!11!! WTF NEVAR!!!!11!!! LOL

Need Moar? Here is something that’s supposed to be smart, turned into gAyOL talk.

DA GRANDFATHAR PARADOX SI A PROPOSAD PARADOX OF TIEM TRAEVL FIRST DASCRIEBD BY DA SCEINCE FICTION WRIETR R3NÉ BARJAEVL IN HIS 1943 BOK LE VOYAEGUR IMPRUDENT (TH3 IMPRUDENT TRAEVL3R)[1]!!!!1 WTF LOL DA PARADOX SI THIS SUPOSE A MAN TRAEVL3D BAK IN TIEM AND KIL3D HIS BIOLOGICAL GRANDFATH3R BFOR3 TEH LATAR MAT DA TRAEVL3RS GRANDMOTHER!11!11 WTF AS A RASULT ONE OF TEH TRAEVLERS PAERNTS (AND BY AXT3NSION TEH TRAEVLER HIMS3LF) WUD N3V3R HAEV B3N CONC3IEVD!!1!11! OMG THES WUD IMPLEY TAHT H3 CUD NOT HAEV TRAEVLED BAK IN TIEM AFT3R AL WHICH IN TURN IMPLEIS DA GRANDFATH3R WUD STIL B ALIEV AND TEH TRAEVLAR WUD HAEV B3N CONCEIEVD ALOWNG HIM 2 TRAEVL BAK IN TIEM AND KIL HIS GRANDFATHER!!!!!11 OMG THUS EACH POSIBILITY SEMS 2 IMPLEY ITS OWN NEGATION A TYPA OF LOGICAL PARADOX

AN!!11!!! LOL AQUIVAELNT PARADOX SI KNOWN (IN PHILOSOPHY) AS AU2INFANTICIED—TAHT IS GONG BAK IN TIEM AND KILNG ONES3LF AS A BABY—THOUGH WHEN TEH WORD WAS FIRST COIEND IN A PAEPR BY PAUL HORWICH HA UESD TEH OD V3RSION AU2FANTICIED[2]

TH3!!11!!1 LOL GRANDFATHAR PARADOX HAS B3N UESD 2 ARGUE TAHT BAKWARDS TIEM TRAEVL MUST B IMPOSIBL3!111!!!1 OMG HOWEVER A NUMBR OF POSIBLE WAYS OF AVOIDNG TEH PARADOX HAEV BEN PROPOSED SUCH AS TEH IEDA TAHT DA TIEMLIEN SI FIEXD AND UNCHANGAABLE OR TEH IEDA TAHT TEH TIEM TRAEVLER WIL 3ND UP IN A PARALAL TIEMLIEN WHIEL DA TIEMLIEN IN WHICH DA TRAEVLER WAS BORN REMANES INDEPEND3NT !1!!1!1 WTF LOL
I have a dream in A(lOl)L speak

LET US NOT WALOW IN TEH VAL3Y OF DESPARE I SAY 2 U 2DAY MAH FREINDS AND!1!11!1! WTF SO 3VAN THOUGH WA FAEC DA DIFICULTEIS OF 2DAY AND 2MOROW I STIL HAEV A DREM!1!1!!111 IT SI A DR3M DEPLEY ROTED IN DA MERICAN DR3M I!!11! LOL HAEV A DRAM TAHT ONE DAY THES NATION WIL RIES UP AND LIEV OUT TEH TRUE M3ANNG OF ITS CRED W3 HOLD THASE TRUTHS 2 B S3LF-3VIEDNT TAHT AL MEN R CRAAETD EQUAL I!11!!11 LOL HAEV A DRAM TAHT ON3 DAY ON DA R3D HILS OF GAORGIA TEH SONS OF FORMER SLAEVS AND DA SONS OF FORMER SLAEV OWNERS WIL B ABLE 2 SIT DOWN 2GETH3R AT DA TABLE OF BROTHARHOD I!!!11!111 WTF HAEV A DREM TAHT ONA DAY 3VAN DA STAET OF MISISIPI A STAET SWELTERNG WIT TEH H3AT OF INJUSTIEC SWELTARNG WIT DA HEAT OF OPR3SION WIL B TRANSFORMAD IN2 AN OASIS OF FREDOM AND JUSTIEC I!!!1! LOL HAEV A DREM TAHT MAH FOUR LITL3 CHILDR3N WIL ON3 DAY LIEV IN A NATION WHER3 THEY WIL NOT B JUDG3D BY DA COLOR OF THERE SKIN BUT BY DA CONTENT OF THEYRE CHARACT3R!!!!!1!1! WTF LOL